Restarting

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Yes, it has indeed been a while since my last post, and I resolve to do better.

It always seems like I’m starting again. Back in college, I started in the discernment process for ordination in the Episcopal Church. Grueling process but very important in my spiritual growth. However, they did not send me forward for postulancy. It wasn’t so much a “No” and “Not yet.” (It still hasn’t happened, and frankly, I’m not sure it will.) The next step wasn’t so much a starting again as a slight deviation since I went on a more academic path in theology. That academic path did not pan out. Was that because I wasn’t really called or because I just wasn’t in the right place (psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, or even physically)? That’s still under review.

Now it seems like I keep having to start over professionally, not quite being able to translate one job into something greater. That should change eventually, but it still frustrates me. Trust me, I hate having to restart. . . . Well, except for all those times hitting the Reset button on the Nintendo, but that’s different.

Spiritually, though, there is something to be said about restarting. In that sense you’re always returning to being a beginner. The bad news is that you’ll never be an “expert.” The good news is that if you take it seriously, you’ll always be learning new things and never forgetting the wonder. Am I an exemplar of that? Oh, hell no. Unfortunately, I often find myself in the position of realizing that I’m not an expert but then confusing that with knowing nothing at all. You can understand quite a bit but still maintain the beginner mindset.  That mindset involves realizing that it’s not a linear path with a set starting point and end point. It’s more like an expansive space in which you find that God is present where you are and that every point at which you find yourself is where you start anew with the entire universe around you.

In that case, let’s get started . . . again.

 

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